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gemini0928

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Ok... If not, kindly delete this post... :)

Kind Lawyer...

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.


Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree'.


'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,'You come with us also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high!'

Lesson : Don't trust kind lawyers. (Also, don't send this to your good friend who is also a lawyer)!!
 
One of my favourites :)... (sorry if you've already heard it)

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from his
name plate that the teller's name is Paddy Whack. So he says, "Mr.
Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on holiday."

Paddy Whack looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants
to borrow. The frog says £30,000. The teller asks his name and the
frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the
bank manager.

Paddy explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that
he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if
he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have
this," and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall,
bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Paddy explains that he'll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office. He finds the manager and
says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to
know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as
collateral." He holds up the tiny pink elephant "I mean, what
is this?"

The bank manager replies, "It's a knick knack, Paddy Whack. Give the
frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."
 
home early.jpg
 
Ok here's my effort

The wifes birthday was coming up and she kept dropping hints that she wanted something that would go from 0 - 100 in under 6 seconds.

The day of the birthday came and as the husband left for work he casually mentioned that her birthday present was in the shed.

All excited she went out hoping to find the sports car she wanted and there in the middle of the garage was








142KL.jpg
 
A loving husband..................

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for
$5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend only $150?”

The man replied, “Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was
buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't
take that chance”
 
Financial Planner....
Financial Planner.JPG




Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

Three months later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an ONION.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
“How’s your physical relation with wife?” the doctor asked.
“Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s relief.
But then he added, “I’ve had some strange side effects.”
“What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously.
“Well, every time I piss, my eyes water.
When my wife gives me a blo * w job, she gets heartburn.
And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!”
 
A businessman was having an affair with his young secretary. Every Friday the two would leave work a few hours early and have s*x at the secretary’s house. When the executive returned home, he would tell his wife he had gone to a bar with his friends.
One night, the executive accidentally fell asleep at his secretary’s house. When he woke up, he rushed to get dressed and told his secretary to rub his shoes in the grass. Eager to help, the confused secretary took his shoes outside, rubbed them in the grass, and handed them off.
By the time he arrived home, the executive’s wife was waiting for him. She immediately asked him where he had been.
“I am not going to lie to you,” he said, “I am having an affair.”
His wife slowly looked him up and down, paused for a moment and said, “BS, you’ve been playing golf!”
 
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms.
“Yes we do,” he says. “Would you like to buy some?”
“No,” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?”
 
so there was this kid, and he was a senior in high school, and he had just asked his crush to prom and she had said yes so he was pretty dang excited.

so first things first, he went to the school office to buy the prom tickets, but man the line was so so long, but whatever he really needed those tickets because this was his big chance with his crush and all, so he waited in the line and finally got the tickets.

next he needed to rent his tux, so he went to his dad and asked to borrow some money to rent a nice one, and his dad gave him the money and offered to drive him to the tux shop. so they pulled up at the shop, but since prom was so close and all, there was a huge line stretching all the way out the door and around the corner. and the guy was pretty bummed, because he’d had to wait in a damn long line earlier, but this was for prom and all, and he’d already bought the tickets, so he figured in for a penny in for a pound.

the tux extravaganza took the rest of the day, so it was the next morning before he made it to the flower shop. he was getting pretty nervous, because it was two days before the actual prom and he needed to really get a move on. you can imagine his dismay when he got to the shop and saw yet another impossibly long line, people crowded shoulder to shoulder inside the shop and milling about in a large group outside, the harried florist inside calling out numbers. so the guy gathered up all of his patience and took a number, and after an hour or two he finally got to the front of the line and got his flowers.

on prom night, the guy excitedly put the prom tickets in his wallet, donned his tux, and prepared to present his lovely date with the corsage he had picked out. they went through the pre-prom ritual of pictures and getting poked in the chest with the pin, giddy moms and proud dads, and finally they climbed into the rented limo and headed off to prom.

they pulled up to the hotel convention center where prom was being held, and lo and behold, the line of students stretched out the door and through the parking lot. his date sighed and the guy laughed nervously, eager to keep her occupied and entertained during the long wait.

once inside, they had a grand old time. at first the guy was a little nervous, so they just sat to one side, talking and laughing and getting to know each other. then a song came on, and the girl leapt up and exclaimed “i love this song! this is my song! we have to dance!” so she dragged him onto the dance floor and commenced wiggling. he felt a little awkward at first but soon got into the groove, jiving and grooving along to the beat.

4 or 5 songs later, they were both a little winded and out of breath, so the guy and his date returned to the table where they had been sitting to rest. the girl expressed her thirst, so the guy offered to go fetch them both some punch. he headed over to the refreshment table to find that there was no punch line.
 
ARTHY23 said:
so there was this kid, and he was a senior in high school, and he had just asked his crush to prom and she had said yes so he was pretty dang excited.

so first things first, he went to the school office to buy the prom tickets, but man the line was so so long, but whatever he really needed those tickets because this was his big chance with his crush and all, so he waited in the line and finally got the tickets.

next he needed to rent his tux, so he went to his dad and asked to borrow some money to rent a nice one, and his dad gave him the money and offered to drive him to the tux shop. so they pulled up at the shop, but since prom was so close and all, there was a huge line stretching all the way out the door and around the corner. and the guy was pretty bummed, because he’d had to wait in a damn long line earlier, but this was for prom and all, and he’d already bought the tickets, so he figured in for a penny in for a pound.

the tux extravaganza took the rest of the day, so it was the next morning before he made it to the flower shop. he was getting pretty nervous, because it was two days before the actual prom and he needed to really get a move on. you can imagine his dismay when he got to the shop and saw yet another impossibly long line, people crowded shoulder to shoulder inside the shop and milling about in a large group outside, the harried florist inside calling out numbers. so the guy gathered up all of his patience and took a number, and after an hour or two he finally got to the front of the line and got his flowers.

on prom night, the guy excitedly put the prom tickets in his wallet, donned his tux, and prepared to present his lovely date with the corsage he had picked out. they went through the pre-prom ritual of pictures and getting poked in the chest with the pin, giddy moms and proud dads, and finally they climbed into the rented limo and headed off to prom.

they pulled up to the hotel convention center where prom was being held, and lo and behold, the line of students stretched out the door and through the parking lot. his date sighed and the guy laughed nervously, eager to keep her occupied and entertained during the long wait.

once inside, they had a grand old time. at first the guy was a little nervous, so they just sat to one side, talking and laughing and getting to know each other. then a song came on, and the girl leapt up and exclaimed “i love this song! this is my song! we have to dance!” so she dragged him onto the dance floor and commenced wiggling. he felt a little awkward at first but soon got into the groove, jiving and grooving along to the beat.

4 or 5 songs later, they were both a little winded and out of breath, so the guy and his date returned to the table where they had been sitting to rest. the girl expressed her thirst, so the guy offered to go fetch them both some punch. he headed over to the refreshment table to find that there was no punch line.
Click to expand...

Fucking Arthy.
 
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