these are gold! Never laughed so hard while crying at the same time! 
Facts About Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris divides by zero.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never ****s up.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick ass."
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a ***got.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
Chuck Norris once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "Shitting bricks" wasn't just a figure of speech.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
If Chuck Norris makes a woman ride on top during sex, she instantly qualifies for the "mile high" club.
When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.
Elvis left the building because Chuck Norris showed up and told him to get the **** out.
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
A unicorn once kicked Chuck Norris. That is why they no longer exist.
Chuck Norris never loses a game of Clue despite the fact everyone knows he's the murderer and used his foot to do it
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Facts About Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris divides by zero.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never ****s up.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick ass."
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a ***got.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
Chuck Norris once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "Shitting bricks" wasn't just a figure of speech.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
If Chuck Norris makes a woman ride on top during sex, she instantly qualifies for the "mile high" club.
When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.
Elvis left the building because Chuck Norris showed up and told him to get the **** out.
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
A unicorn once kicked Chuck Norris. That is why they no longer exist.
Chuck Norris never loses a game of Clue despite the fact everyone knows he's the murderer and used his foot to do it
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
